i wish you were real, but i'm so glad you're not

It probably happens too much, but it's pretty common for me to be watching TV and thinking to myself, "Damn, I wish this person was real so we could be friends."  But then I legit think about it and change my mind completely. Characters need to be fundamentally broken in some way or they aren't interesting, but actually being friends with someone who can't function like a normal human is ridiculously frustrating. There's obviously a level of bullshit characters are allowed to get away with that real people aren't. Like on TV, when someone cheats, I'll quickly come up with an excuse for them like "they didn't initiate it," or "their significant other really sucks," or "does third base really count as cheating?"  In real life, I have no such sympathy and think the offender should be ashamed of themselves. There are a lot of reasons that a lot of characters shouldn't actually join us here in reality, but this list includes people I want to be my friends... in theory... until I realized that no, I'd rather just watch their drama from afar.

Gilmore Girls

These women are amazing... on screen. They talk really fast and have an uncanny ability to remember everything pop-culture as far back as the 1920s; both of them love junk food and bad TV, but they're also willing to jump in a car and take a road trip to nowhere.  Lorelai has the street-smarts, while Rory is obnoxiously book-smart, and both are cute and funny. They seem like they'd be good friends from the way they act with Suki and Lane. Though they both talk about themselves kind of a lot... and seem to be quite indecisive when it comes to making any kind of major decision... and have amazing bodies for women who eat chocolate covered in chocolate and never exercise... and seem to inspire men to make grand gestures on a semi-regular bases. So actually, stfu Gilmore girls. I can't keep up with your banter and it feels like you have each other and don't need or want other people in your lives. Also, you don't seem to ever take anyone's advice but your own, which I guess could be said for a lot of people, but it would really bother me that you never listened. It's true you're both genuine and I do appreciate that, but I think more than anything else, I would find you both unbelievably annoying. While I'm sure I'd enjoy a night on your couch with the plethora of snacks you'd undoubtedly provide, I'm not sure that would make up for the fact that I would only understand a third of what you said.  So you should probably remain characters because your obnoxious traits just come off as quirky and lovable. 

Damon Salvatore 

He's hot. He loves like whoa. He's super tough. He's crazy broken. If we ignore the whole vampire thing and think about him just as a guy with a painful past and a devious smile - he could be a myriad of TV boyfriends (Pacey Witter, Logan Echolls, etc).  When watching a show, I do tend to love the tortured ones because it feels like you understand them in ways no one else does. You can see their private moments and understand that even though they act like the bad guy, they're just trying to save everyone else from the pain they know to well. In real life though? Pull yourself together, man. I get that people don't like you but maybe that's because you keep leaving destruction in your wake. And also, I know that your whole asshole, "I don't care" thing is just an act, but it's too believable and everyone just thinks you're a bad person.  In the romance department, Damon plays every part perfectly. He's beautifully wounded and never afraid to love too much. People don't have this kind of dedication to unrequited relationships in real life because everyone would tell them they're crazy. This man waits for a girl for 145 years. Yes, I realize he's a vampire and has time we don't, but if someone doesn't get over a relationship in one year, their friends rally together to change all that. In theory I would quite enjoy to have a boyfriend who loves me as much as Damon loves Elena, but the jealousy and intense devotion might get a bit overwhelming in real life. He's protective, which appears sweet and endearing but is actually kind of frightening.  Plus when he says he'll love you forever, he means multiple lifetimes - that's a lot of time, buddy.  Hypothetically, I wish this guy was part of my everyday life, with everything from the snark to the long-winded "I love you" speeches, but in actuality, I'll just watch from afar... thanks. 

Chloe

She'd make life so much more interesting, though! I suppose that's the premise of the show... small town girl comes to the big city and moves in with a partying, self-obsessed crazy person. Yet every episode (I'm only about 5 in), I think to myself, "If only I had an insane friend who forced me to do these absurd things, I'd have great stories." But then I realize it would be terrible to have Chloe as a friend or roommate because she is completely out of her mind. She does whatever needs to be done so she can make her own life better while hurting anyone and everyone else in the process. I mean, she's almost a sociopath. I don't think she truly is, she has her moments of caring (kind of), but it comes down to the fact that she does not think about other people. At all. So being her friend would probably consist of regularly hurt feelings and constantly apologizing on her behalf because she never will and you feel obligated to make up for that. Essentially, if Chloe were real - I'd have to become June. In real life, June would probably be an amazing person to live with because she's nice and helpful and genuine (though maybe that would get annoying?), but Chloe would be more... entertaining. At the end of the day, all her humorous bitching and amusing insults would probably just become draining and sad. While having a Chloe in my life would probably make me more adventurous, I think I'll have to settle for trying to figure that out myself since I'd rather not have a burning hatred for a supposed friend who incidentally wouldn't care about me anyways.

Veronica Mars

Veronica Mars is my idol... this is probably reason enough for why I shouldn't be her friend. I think she's ridiculously bad ass and hilarious. She's a teen sleuth, you guys. She solves legit mysteries, all while getting straight A's, maintaining a healthy relationship with her father, and dating two best friends (though one at a time - don't worry). And look at how pretty she is, even when she's staring intently out a window and taking creepy pictures to prove someone's wrongdoing. Honestly, watching Veronica can be inspiring because she's so tough; she's still a teenage girl, so she's insecure as hell but that never stops her from her unwavering dedication to finding the truth. I would also argue this is her biggest fault. Regardless of other people's needs or happiness, Veronica HAS to know the truth or she will explode. If she has to hurt someone's feelings to do so, she will. She has a lot on her plate, what with her best friend's murder, an absentee mom, and an entire school thinking she's a cold-hearted slut, but despite all that, real life would require her to learn how to trust. Not everyone necessarily, but she assumes most people are liars or cheats before they even open their mouths. Unfortunately, since this is a TV show, she's usually proved right - making her even more stubborn. And let's be fair for a second, because Veronica tries, she really does, but she's not a super awesome friend. Wallace is much better at it, primarily because he understands that she's going to keep asking you for really unsafe favors and keep taking and taking until you finally tell her to stop... but on the other hand, if you ever need her - the girl will go to insane lengths to save you and anyone you love from injustice. The more I think about this... maybe I DO want Veronica Mars to be real. She might be stubborn and cold from time to time, but like her bff always says, the girl is a marshmallow and has a very sweet and gooey center.

if we did the things people did in romantic comedies, it really wouldn't work out

Last weekend, my roommates and I watched Baby Boom with Diane Keaton. It's a silly movie from the 80s where a working woman ends up "inheriting" a baby. No longer being able to handle 90-hour work weeks, she moves to VT, meets a hot veterinarian, and creates some gourmet baby food. I can get on board with the baby inheriting and the impulsive move to Vermont and even her starting her own business because she's really smart and really rich and that could potentially happen (though the adoption may have required more than a quick convo at the airport). ANYWAY, it's the single, good-looking, sweet vet that falls for her immediately though she's rude and crying the first three times they meet. Let me tell you, I don't think sporadic sobs and crazy ranting would get me a boyfriend. Though I have to admit I've never tried it. She's not particularly likable in any of the movie, but the second this guy shows up, she's awful.  Her hair is everywhere and she insults his job and refuses his help changing a tire (though she clearly needs it), to which he responds by kissing her.  He also seems to have no problem jumping into a relationship that includes a child, which you'd think a guy might need a second to process.  He's on board though, with the crazy city lady and her baby.

Probably the most obvious scene from a romcom that would severely backfire in reality is from Love Actually. This is one of my favorite movies, so relax, but can we all talk about the scene where the dude shows up at his BEST FRIEND'S house to profess his love to the guy's WIFE. Sure, someone in love is adorable and he's just trying to be honest, but dude, not cool. I immediately like you less because you're completely ignoring your friendship, which is very unattractive and also if you were so in love that you had to tell the girl, one, give your bro a warning and two, you've been around since the relationship started... waiting post-wedding seems a little dramatic, don't you think? If I was that girl, I would not stand there smiling, nor would I chase him down the street to kiss him on the cheek. I guess I wouldn't call my husband to the door, but I'd at least cut the guy off and say he was being inappropriate... and then go upstairs and tell my husband because VOWS.  And if I was this girl's husband, I'd be a bit upset.  It might put a damper on the friendship as well.  Just sayin'.

And what about She's the Man? I understand it's based on that Shakespearian play or whatever but if I pretended to be a guy and became best friends with my crush then was like, oh hey... just kidding I'm a girl (which I'll prove by flashing you... and a stadium full of people ), I would NOT get the guy in the end. I mean, she was super weird too, which I guess isn't means for dismissal - I'm glad they became friends but she talked him into shoving tampons up his nose AND gave you dating advice... for how to date her. That's confusing at the very least because you'll have certain feelings for a person based on your current relationship and how you think that could change. Since the guy wasn't bi-sexual, he views relationships with male and females differently, and then when the girl he thought was a guy yells surprised, he's only mad for a hot second before they start making out. Maybe if I was as funny as Amanda Bynes this could work to my advantage? I feel like in real life, this would end quite poorly no matter who did the gender switch. I mean - can you say friendzoned?

One of my favorite romantic comedies, well really one of my favorite movies, is How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, though I'm not sure I'd be as forgiving as these two turn out to be.  I understand that they were both trying to win bets, so in the movie world, these cancel each other out, but think about this... She literally starts dating him to make his life miserable (and does a pretty good job of it, love fern anyone?) and to document it for a magazine.  He's only nice and charming so she'll fall for him and then he can get a big advertising account.  Honestly, his always seemed less offensive to me because it didn't cause him to act insane, though I would be royally pissed if I found out a guy was only pretending to like me so he could advance his career.  Hers was primarily bad because she had to be so intrusive.  To be fair, some of what she does is harmless, like accenting his bedroom with pink blankets and teddy bears, but she also forces him to get her a Diet Coke during the final minutes of a big basketball game - that's not cool.  She also buys him a dog, which seems to bother him less than the fact that she made him blow his nose in front of his friends (I can see how that would be demeaning...), but it's a DOG.  She just threw a new responsibility into his life.  Either way, these two are both at fault and in real life, I think this relationship would just turn into a good story next time your out with friends.  But it's a movie, not reality, and all one needs to do to solve all problems is chase the object of their affection on a motorcycle across a bridge.


I understand that these movies aren't supposed to represent real life, but all I'm trying to say is if you actually think about the actions these people take and how well it works our for them compared to how ridiculous people find it if you text someone back too quickly - it's laughable.  When watching these movies, people can be deluded into thinking all you need to do is stalk the girl or play music outside her house or act uninterested or be adorably clumsy.  I don't know how you should actually attempt to get someone to like you, but if you follow the rules laid out for you in romantic comedies, I'm pretty sure you'll end up alone.

the best and worst parts of indie film

Disclaimer: I have a lot a respect for independent film; my roommate and I try to go to a little theater in Pasadena that only plays indie films once a month.  There's an undeniable feeling that these stories have more heart behind them because they don't have a studio backing them, which means no guarantee people even see what they're pouring their soul into - that's impressive.

That being said, there are three tropes I notice every time I watch one of these movies and more often than not, they're simultaneously the best and worst parts of the whole experience.


1. People look real.

The Lifeguard

I don't consider myself a particularly shallow person, but I think as a society, we've gotten

Shame

used to watching beautiful people on screens.  So when Kristen Bell is crying in front of you (and I mean real, heaving sobs - not one glistening tear) without makeup and in a tattered old sweatshirt, it can throw you off.   She's gorgeous regardless, don't get me wrong, but it's more real and therefore harder to handle as a viewer.  This could be said about any actor or actress in indie films; beauty is left behind while a more realistic vision is achieved.  I love and hate this.  I love it because it forces you to actually look at the pain (or the joy, though it's indie, so it's usually pain) straight on without getting distracted by perfect eyes or immaculate skin.  I hate it for the same reason I love it.  Why does their misery have to be so obvious that I can feel it?  I spend a lot of time and energy trying to avoid emotions and now these idiots have me feeling everything they are, which is just unacceptable.  And it's often emotions I'm not even familiar with.  Michael Fassbender goes through a lot in Shame that I will never actually understand.  All his sexual... shame (I can't come up with another word - they named that movie well) is something I'm never going to feel, but that doesn't stop me from sympathizing with his face.  Independent filmmakers seem to go for that visceral aspect in every single shot.  It's like they have all the time in the world to tear your heart open, and if they have to do so by making you stare at a real wound or a real fight or a real death - they will.  So do as the actors do and forgo the makeup before you pop in one of these movies with people "just like you."

 

 2. Moments of silence.

Darjeeling Limited

Away We Go

Again, I have mixed feelings about this.  Part of me really enjoys the poignancy of the serious look and the great understanding passing between the director and the actors and then through the characters and the audience, but also... SPEAK.  Darjeeling Limited is one of my favorite movies, and it's Wes Anderson so it's even weirder than most indie films, but the amount of time spent in silence is overwhelming.  Now that I think about it, overwhelming might be the point.  There's something about silence that can be deafening because you can't split your focus between what you can see and what you can hear.  Your brain is forced to watch whatever is in front of you while the stillness takes over.  Dialogue is your friend, guys, and I'm just not clever enough to understand everything I'm supposed to from this quiet.  Give me context before I lose my mind trying to read into every intricacy of this moment.  And then someone does.  Someone speaks.  At this point it almost doesn't matter what they say, I'm just so relieved that I can give them my attention so I'm not required to figure anything else out for myself.  It's been a while since I've seen Away We Go but I remember the moments of silence more than I remember anyone speaking.  The connection between Burt and Verona surpassed the need for words.  It was a comfortable quiet and each time was different: sometimes angry, sometimes sad, sometimes content.  Often more than that and all at once. 

 

3. They represent life.

Little Miss Sunshine

This is usually what indie films are going for right?  They want to show real life?  Even if it's a ridiculous plot line or a life you'd never lead, the story is used to portray something bigger than that.  Like the pain of a heartbreak compared with the intensity of being in love.  I had to watch Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind for a screenwriting class, and I remember my professor asking us if we understood the point.  A few people mumbled something about how the story was cyclical and that memories are important, but these people had clearly never been in love.  Not the kind of love this movie was talking about.  Because only the real thing can kick your ass so hard that you wish it never happened just so it didn't have to feel this miserable.  Eternal creates a world where it's actually possible to erase someone from your mind, which is obviously not an option for us, but that doesn't stop anyone from believing in a version of life where people would take advantage of this opportunity.  This is both impressive and a bit annoying.  It's like they trick you into feeling something you didn't even realize you were capable of feeling.  I thought it was a movie about time travel with a quirky love story not a movie about facing your feelings head on before they inevitably catch up with you.  Little Miss Sunshine did the same thing and masqueraded around like it was a silly comedy when it's really a family drama with a dry sense of humor.  Sure, they take a lighter look at everything but the whole story revolves around people who are doing the best they can and loving their family in the only way they know how.  The way they feel about each other represents the way you can only feel about family.  It's a truly unconditional feeling of love that leaves you thinking both, "I want to smack you upside the head," and "Yes, I will do anything to make you happy."  While I'm impressed with their ability to capture something so universal, I often don't want to experience everyday emotions.  Give me a movie where people can fly and blow things up with their mind.  I want my imagination to go to work so I can avoid the tissues.

 

 

And an honorary mention to this scene:

Which is in almost every indie movie ever - though the view may vary.

friends and their significant others

I've been watching Friends for the umpteenth time and wow, these characters continuously date people they really, really shouldn't.  Over and over again too, the poor choices continue from season one consistently into season ten.  For the sake of this list, I only included those not in the immediate friend group, so no Ross and Rachel, Joey and Rachel, or Monica and Chandler.

Making this list made me realize two things: one, these guys never gave up; they were going to find love even if it ripped them apart and ruined other aspects of their lives, and two, they're moronic.

Here we go, chronologically, or as close as I could get without research...

Janice

 

I mean, I had to start with Janice.  She's the only guest star to appear in EVERY season (minus six, but we hear her voice).  She loved dating Chandler Bing, expressing her shock, and being difficult to dump.  Janice was really great for Chandler in some ways: she understood his eccentricities, never attempted to change him, and always tried to get along with the other Friends even if they hated her (and Joey really did hate her, he even went to far as to say, "I wish I could pull off my own arm just so I had something to throw at her," yet that didn't stop Janice instating "Joey and Janice's Day of Fun.")  The real problem in this relationship was Chandler.  He'd be drawn to her again and again because while being the single most annoying person in New York City, she was still sweet underneath it all and meant well.  She never did anything to hurt Chandler, though he lied to her and pretended to move to Yemen... Thinking about it, Chandler was a jerk to her, as he was to most of his girlfriends by the end.  He was afraid of his own happiness and after immediately assuming he should probably be miserable - he'd end it, breaking other's hearts almost as often as he crushed his own.



Paolo

So I hated this guy as much as Ross did because look at his face.  And his hair.  And his being with Rachel when she's supposed to be with Ross.  Terrible, everything about him is terrible.  I think he was supposed to have this sex-factor that I just didn't understand.  He had an accent and all but that really just made him harder to understand.  We all know Rachel only spent time with this guy to get over her failed engagement.  She'd have some meaningless sex and then she'd get out.  Except the asshole hit on Phoebe and hurt Rachel anyway.  She actually got hurt more than she did the hurting, which is surprising because she appears so bubbly and fun and heartbreaker-y.  Nope.  She might actually be the most sentimental of the group.  I'd say Ross is the biggest failure in the dating game, but that might just because he had more relationships than anyone else so he was set up to fail more often.  Regardless, Paolo served his purpose and then was taken away from us and we smiled and waved him off the screen.

David

David was for sure one of my favorites of all the significant others and he only dated Phoebe for a week, then he headed off to Russia for some science thing, which was rude.  They got along so well!  With her super weird hippie-ness and his even weirder scientist-ness, it was like a match made in super weird heaven.  I really don't have anything negative to say about this pairing except that he left and she had to move on, which was a bummer.  I don't know how they would have played out over the years, but it was definitely fun while it lasted.  Primarily, I'm impressed I even cared because it was so short lived.  Usually, no one cares about the dude that shows up for ONE episodes and then leaves for seven years.  Seriously, you guys, he was in one episode in season one and that's it.  We all just fell in love with him the way Phoebe did and thought it was an epic romance.  God, this guy was awesome.

Kate

I won't bore you with much about Kate.  I really only included her because she represents the first time Joey actually cared about a woman.  So he obviously chose a really self-obsessed one that was unavailable.  They have a few great nights but mostly just fought.  He pined a lot and she avoided a lot, though the big struggle remained with Joey's belief he could help or fix her in some way.  He obviously couldn't, which I guess is a lesson we all need to learn, so at least he finally did while simultaneously getting his heart trampled on.  Poor baby, though, serves him right for falling for a rude, crazy actress.  What did he expect?



Fun Bobby

Another dude that we really only met a couple times, but he sticks with the most avid Friends fans purely because they all loved him so much.  He loosened Monica up, which was always nice to see but really, he loosened everyone up.  This ends up being because he has a drinking problem and is always (and I do mean always) drunk, so once she sobers him up - he's not so fun.  Monica overcompensates by getting drunk herself, but he says he can't be around someone who doesn't take his sobriety seriously.  This doesn't sound funny as I type it, but I promise you, it's all hilarious and everyone parts ways and gets healthy.  Plus, look at his floppy hair.

Julie

UGH.  Go away, Julie.  There's really nothing wrong with you, but Rachel FINALLY realized she wants Ross too and then you show up.  Yes, we could blame Ross but this is TV and that's not how it works.  All the blame falls squarely on your shoulders.  She's actually good for Ross and interesting and sweet, but completely in the way.  They almost get a cat together, that's how serious this thing was, but ew.  No.  Ross found out about Rachel's new feelings and bye-bye, Julie.  Nice to know you.  Sort of.

Richard

Well.  This is Tom Selleck.  The character of Richard almost doesn't matter because he's played by Tom Selleck.  I really could have been okay with Richard and Monica ending up together.  Their break up rivals Ross and Rachel's because it was for a real reason.  There weren't any fights and no one stopped loving the other, but Monica wanted to be a mom and Richard was already a grandfather.  This is the only time their age difference becomes an issue, but it was an unavoidable one.  How depressing.  Watching Monica post-break up was sad.  She was basically the shell of a person, but she got over it just in time to have some more sex with Richard.  This was of course stupid, but who hasn't rebounded with the source of your misery before?  It happens.  She gets over him again and moves on for real despite how perfect they are for each other on (basically) every level.

Janice

 

Because yeah, this happens again. 

Pete

Pete was a weird one.  He's a billionaire that falls for Monica when he meets her while she works at a Diner.  She keeps turning him down over and over again until he buys her a restaurant.  Just kidding, she accepts his advances and his restaurant after he kisses her, catching her by surprise and totally turning her on.  They date for a bit and everyone loves his riches but then they realize he's kind of insane.  He wants to master the world from every angle and only has to do so physically at this point so he plans to become the world's ultimate fighting champion.  He ends up in a full body cast and plans to try again.  See ya, Pete.

Janice

Yup.

Bonnie

Bonnie was too good for Ross. You may remember her as the bald girl, and that's kind of all there is to say.  She would have made more sense with Joey because she was so fun and carefree, I don't even know what she was doing with Ross in the first place.  This girl was the type that could literally shave her head and still be a ball of sunshine the next day.  Ross is not like that.  At all.  Ever.

Janice

 Chandler's face perfectly represents how the rest of us feel about this.

Joshua

Joshua was boring.  I mean, he was cute and nice enough but meh.  Basically this relationship happened because Rachel was desperate and he has a good face.  They go on about four dates and she proposes at the end.  Yes.  Proposes.  He says, "No thanks, I'm good."  Ouch.  I would have said no, too.  Sorry, Rach, but you were creepy with this one.  And he wasn't worth your weirdo obsessing.

Kathy

CHANDLER.  You messed this up every step along the way.  First off, she was Joey's girlfriend and not meant for you.  Secondly, once you got her, you're paranoia ruined it all.  This thing totally could have gone all the way, man.  They completely understood each other and had an undeniable connection, but she was an actress that had to hook up with someone on stage and Chandler's neurotic jealousy took over.  I really did love Kathy, she had a back bone and got both Joey and Chandler.  She also followed her heart, yet volunteered to take herself out of the equation once she saw what she did to the bromance.  I'd say the only good thing that came out of this break up was Chandler being freed up for some sex with Monica in London, thus beginning my favorite Friends' love story.

Emily

No.  Emily.  No.  There was no point during this relationship that I liked her or this relationship.  Well, her voice didn't suck because everyone loves a British accent, but everything else was terrible.  Ross always talked about how he did things when he was with Emily that he wouldn't normally do, but when that includes rugby and ear piercings, it's not quite as romantic as it sounds.  I suppose her real crazy doesn't start until Ross royally screws up the wedding, so I'll give her that one.  Who gets the name wrong at a wedding?  Um, someone who shouldn't be getting married, Ross.  They both rushed into the whole thing, and I really don't understand why.  I can't figure out what connection they were holding on to because I was never aware of it but whatever.  Luckily the whole thing went up in smoke before the honeymoon.

Danny

This was the rude Yeti-looking guy that had a disgustingly close relationship with his sister.  I feel that covers the relationship.

Elizabeth

Despite the fact that she was one of his students, I actually didn't hate this relationship.  It was weird, sure, but Ross is weird so that's bound to happen.  Mostly it just felt temporary because you knew it couldn't last.  They didn't have enough in common and seemed to mostly just have sex, which was fine, but again, temporary.  She did force him out of his comfort zone from time to time which is always fun to watch because an uncomfortable Ross is the best kind.  Plus this relationship let the others tease him mercilessly and that's always a good time. My favorite part of their relationship was Elizabeth's father because I mean... Bruce Willis.

Paul

And here is Bruce Willis.  Aren't we all happy Ross was unethical and dated a student so we could get this guy on screen to date Rachel?  All I remember about their relationship is that he wouldn't open up emotionally, so Rachel beat those walls down, and then he cried.  And cried and cried.  Forever.  And it was bad and awkward but also hilarious and awesome because it was Bruce Willis and he was on Friends.

Janine

Janine was not worth Joey's time.  She was rude and Australian and a dancer, so I see how a guy could go for her, but really she sucked.  She had no personality but hated on Monica and Chandler, making Joey choose.  He obviously chose his friends and good riddance, J... you are the worst and should never have come.

Tag

What a cutie.  Tag was great but similar to Elizabeth in that you knew it wasn't a relationship that would last.  He was too young and immature for Rachel, but it was quite a joy to watch because he was so adorable and fun.  The episode where they meet and Rach hires him over a qualified middle-aged woman is amusing because that could never happen in real life.  And the way she checked him out - you'd call up HR and have her reported, I mean, it was sexual harassment, but because this was TV, meh.  I'll allow it.  And they were an obnoxiously good looking couple, so there's that.

Eric

Sean Penn dressed up as a solar system.  A SOLAR SYSTEM.  He also dated Phoebe's twin sister who is a terrible person and he therefore couldn't date Phoebe herself because he was reminded of all the betrayal.  Womp womp.

Mona

Mona, you are as forgetful to me as you were to Ross, and your biggest character flaw was dating him.  He kept lying to you and clearly had feelings for Rachel; you were way too good for him.  The fact that you stuck around so long was confusing to everyone, including your boyfriend because you are normal and put together and he is not.  GET OUT, MONA.

Mike

Phoebe Buffay and Mike Hannigan, aka Princess Consuela Banana Hammock and Crap Bag, were perfect for each other.  But really.  I mean, let's talk about the way they met.  Joey promised to set her up with a guy named Mike, but because he didn't know anyone with that name, he went into Central Perk and yelled "Mike."  That's amazing.  To make it better, once Phoebe figured it out, she was rightfully pissed, but let Mike prove he wasn't a liar and actually was a pianist, so he played the piano without an actual piano.  She was completely impressed and there you go.  But wait!  He's divorced and doesn't want to marry again and she does.  Neither willing to change their mind, they have to break up.  NO.  Mike.  You're ruining everything.  Phoebe deserves happiness and you're PERFECT for her.  Fine.  Whatever, David is back.  That's right, the scientist.  So Pheebs dates David and all is good-ish.  I mean David is awesome, we all loved him but that's because we didn't know Mike yet.  In true Monica fashion, she gets Mike to crash their group vacation and sorry not sorry, David, but you need to leave.  So Mike and Phoebe are all happy and great and own rats together for a second.  The best is that they try to propose to each other numerous times but it keeps not working out until finally it does.  They have an adorable wedding in the middle of the street and all is perfect.  These two are so cute it's annoying but so unbelievably flawless in all its quirkiness.

Charlie

Charlie dates Joey and Ross but there isn't a picture of her with Joey.  Anyway, she's super smart and very cool.  She makes no sense with Joey but perfect sense with Ross.  Since she switches to Team Ross in season ten, it doesn't matter how great she is, we needed her to leave and make room for Rachel.  So they write in her ex, who is still super in love with her, and they both make Ross crazy uncomfortable until he steps back.  Charlie was also used to give Rachel and Joey the green light because if Ross can take Charlie, Joey can take Rachel.  It's all very anti-feminist and not okay, but hey, everyone ends up where they are supposed to be.

Janice

HA. Janice is almost Chandler and Monica's neighbor, so they lie and tell her that Chandler isn't over her.  It's great because this is Janice's reaction before leaving his life forever.

These people.  At least everything worked out as it should.

books are cool, too

I keep writing about TV, but books deserve some attention.  Less people are reading, and I get that, but all of my roommates and I usually have a book we're working on.  In fact I'm often reading one book and listening to another during my commute.  It's all stories, all the time.

Even when I was little and watching TV seemed to be the highlight of my day, I still begged for one more book before bed.  My sister used to get in trouble for staying up late with the blankets over her head and a flashlight in her hand, dying to get to the next chapter.  My cousins, who have grown up in the age of On Demand and iPhones still get lost in the worlds created by Dr. Suess and JK Rowling.  There's something about letting your imagination do the work.  Well, some of the work, I suppose the author does a fair share. 

A level of magic is attained when you read, and it has nothing to do with there being supernatural elements in the book itself, but more to do with what your mind is able to achieve.  By reading only one page, or even one sentence, you're plunged into a fictional world with rules and characters that are alive on a page.  Think about how impressive that is.  Television and film are great, but they have a pretty unfair advantage: actors are able to bring the dialogue to life and music swells at the exact right moment while the camera swings across professionally designed scenery.  In a book, it's just you and the bound paper in your hands, yet the world is more complete somehow because you had to believe in it without seeing proof. 

The characters are also just as alive, if not more so, than their two-dimensional movie counterparts.  There's a relationship formed between the author and these people she/he has dreamed up that is arguably stronger than the one other writers experience.  I obviously don't know that for a fact, but it seems like a more intense understanding is required to create a fully formed person with no help from actors or pictures.  You need have a vision that you can explain to others with words; you can't describe it out loud or in person to make sure audiences understand.  They're somewhere else in the world, holding your work, and imagining the character dear to your heart the best they can.

Don't you remember the first book you fell in love with as a kid?  Mine was called Martha's Calling.  It was about a dog who gained the ability to talk after eating alphabet soup.  Pure brilliance. I read it over and over and over again, often while eating alphabet soup myself.  It's weird how allowing yourself to truly immerse yourself in the story can enhance the experience.  Think about the lengths people go to so they can live in the world of Harry Potter.  And I'm not talking about watching the movies, I'm talking about dueling clubs and Quidditch teams.  Fans (aka Potterheads - they even have a name) spend hundreds, maybe thousands of dollars, to go to Hogsmeade and Hogwarts so they can pretend they're a part of this universe.  I know the movies showed the wizarding world to the public at large, but the true fans are those who read the books long before they made it to the big screen.  And they'll all agree - they are phenomenally better because they elevate the series in a way film can't.

I could go on and on comparing books and the movies and series they've inspired because it's ridiculous how many stories you love began this way; everything from Captain Phillips to Pretty Little Liars is "based on" the written word.  Sure, they change some facts and add in a chase scene to amplify the drama, but it's not the same and we all know it.  Books let you escape into your own imagination.  Think about that.  Authors obviously put as much description in there as possible, but ultimately you're able to create whatever version of their world you want.

So all I'm saying is books are awesome and deserve to be appreciated.  Pick one up and get lost - it's totally worth it.

why i (and everyone else) watches

I've been thinking a lot about how I watch a ridiculous amount of TV because why?  There has to be a pretty solid reason since hours of my week are dedicated to fictional characters and their lives, which don't actually affect me.  Sure, we can learn things from television and experience situations we'll never face in reality, but is that it?  It's just a tool?  There's no way people are laying back on the couch with a remote in their hand just because they're hoping to learn or experience.  More likely they're hoping to not think for an hour.  And while I watch more than the average person, I know next to no one that doesn't spend some valuable time staring at a story on screen.

When I was little, it was mainly to avoid going outside.  I hated outside with the sun and fresh air and the people.  Inside was better with a little Barney and maybe some Rocket Power, it was simpler and safe and solitary.  I wasn't some weird child shut-in though.  I played sports and went to school.  I actually quite liked reading (as long as nothing bad happened to anyone ever - including but not limited to divorced parents, which I just couldn't handle).  Rules were set early on in my childhood about how much TV I could watch and when; they were pretty typical, only after homework had been completed and chores had been done.  Chores that I was certain my mother made up purely so I would miss the first 3 minutes of whatever sitcom I was newly obsessed with.  Regardless, getting downstairs for my half hour of TV was the ultimate goal.  Again, why?  I had just as much fun playing school with my friends or cards with my family, but when my mom wasn't home and it was just me and my dad, we'd cook up some meat and potatoes then bring them downstairs and pop in a movie.

It wasn't just me right?  I may be an extreme case, but it's not like I was the only kid that enjoyed some time watching stories unfold with beautiful people at the helm.  I mean, I went to school to study this stuff along with hundreds of other students, so there's no way it's just me.  The more I talked to people living on my floor or sitting next to me in class,

I realized there's an insane amount of reasons we get joy from immersing ourselves in the unreal.  For some it's about diving into a world where vampires and werewolves roam the earth, for others it's about understanding the world of advertising in the 1960s because who's going to read a book about such a thing, and for a few it's all about that anti-hero and his ongoing fight to save lives while popping vicodin.  Regardless, it's characters with a problem that you find yourself invested in despite telling everyone you could stop watching right now if you wanted to.  You don't even care about next weeks episode, I mean they obviously won't die in that explosion...right?  Of course not...but maybe one more just to be sure.

So that's it then?  It's these fictional people and their fictional issues?  This still doesn't explain why we care, why we watch.  Or does it?  Maybe it's all just serving as a well-crafted distraction.  We all have our own daily struggles; could be getting up every morning and going to a job you hate, could be learning how to stick up for yourself and telling your family to leave you alone, could be resisting the urge to grab a bottle of vodka and crawling into bed.  No matter how big or small, there's something we're all dealing with (or more often ignoring) that's sitting in the back of our mind, and an hour of Friday Night Lights might be just the thing to push it further away.  I won't lie... this has got to be the exact reason I've seen every episode of Friends more than three times each.  But this isn't always my reason.  Sometimes I want to be entertained.  Pure, unadulterated entertainment it's supremely satisfying, don't you think?  If you watch It's Always Sunny, you definitely understand what I'm saying.  No one watches that show to understand the world or learn anything.  Unless what you're trying to figure out is how to survive in the world as a horrible person, which does seem harder than one might think.

And lastly, the reason most professors seem to believe is the reason: we want to understand a world we'll never be a part of ourselves.  This has got to be why I watch Sons of Anarchy and Shameless.  Neither are very happy and they honestly aren't too good at distracting from your own problems because you're watching people struggle the whole

time.  All it does is remind you how awful life can be when you're backed into a corner.  But then there are those miraculous moments when they're all on the same page as something not tragic happens and they get to hug and laugh and you get to believe that things are okay sometimes and your life is nowhere as bad as theirs so you can totally handle your shit.  To be honest, I know they're characters and someone with a great imagination and a laptop is the one actually creating their strength and defiance, but that doesn't make this stuff any less inspiring.  If Fiona can take care of her siblings with an often non-existent paycheck, an alcoholic father, and an absentee mother, then I can most definitely study and pass my finals.  There's a courage in characters that's contagious if you're able to watch with the same dedication you gave to memorizing lines of Anchorman.

In conclusion (yes, I just said in conclusion like this was a paper for a 4th grade English class), we watch because we've developed a relationship.  That could be with the Bluth family or the town of Mystic Falls.  It could be with the essence of Downton Abbey or Pawnee's Parks Department.  In spite of knowing it's all fake and recognizing the importance of leaving the comfort of your favorite screen, we watch because we've allowed ourselves to create a (unhealthy) relationship with a world we only get to experience once a week (or for a few blessed days on end if you're binge watching).

chicago fire doesn't get enough credit

This show is severely underrated.  There's article after article about how hot the firefighters are (I'm not going to deny that's part of the initial draw), but after one episode, I promise you'll realize that doesn't make the top 5 reasons this show is amazing.

In fact, don't you worry, because I'll talk about the top 5 reasons and Taylor Kinney and Jesse Spencer's bodies won't be one of them.

THE CREW

Both the actors and the characters are diverse and unique.  This isn't a crew of white, middle-class twenty-somethings complaining about their love lives and how hard their jobs are, which is actually hilarious because none of them are currently part of a successful romance (okay, one guy is happily married) and their jobs are basically impossible.  While the focus was originally on Kelly (Kinney) and Casey (Spencer), the rest of the firehouse now receives an equal amount of attention.  Dawson (Monica Raymund) and Shay (Lauren German), the house's resident EMTs, who are regrettably the only regular female characters, get their own storylines almost every week.  It's a refreshing change of pace because they fill the roles well by being exactly as tough and smart as every other character on the show.  They aren't treated like "females" specifically, but just like members of the family.  Because that's what this group of people are: a family.  They risk their lives for each other daily and force each other to be the best kind of firefighters, friends, and people they can possibly be.  Whether it's Mills (the newest member) still learning the ropes or Mouch (the eldest member of the team) running for Union President or Otis (the group's comedic relief) causing general antics - they're never alone.  Someone reaches out and assists, no questions asked.  Like most workplace shows, there's a connection these characters share that no one else could possibly understand.  And because their work is so difficult and dangerous, their bond only gets stronger with each emergency they handle.  Maybe they have to cut a child out of the back of a car or climb crumbling stairs to save a family or maybe they're stuck handling an incoherent homeless man.  Whatever it is, they do it with a level head, which requires a certain kind of person - the ability to juggle emotional turmoil and physical pain all at once over and over again is no simple feat.  I think the most interesting aspect of this group is that they're all heroes.  No one is more of a hero because all of them are doing the same job.  These people aren't flawless, in fact, they're far from it, but they save lives everyday and they do it together regardless of any other drama they might be dealing with that day.  And while doctors and the police are also heroic on a regular basis, there's just something about firefighters.  They don't face any negative stigmas because all they do is run into horrific situations and bring innocent people to safety.  I dare you not to love them.

THE INTENSITY

This is a show where the main characters almost die on a regular basis.  And they'd be believable deaths, it's not like a soap opera that gives everyone cancer and then hits them with a car.  They're always in dangerous situations because they have no choice.  Because the show tries to remain true to the lives of firefighters, someone could be killed at any moment and I'd totally buy it.  I think one of the most impressive aspects of this show is the detail they give to each accident.  Often the characters arrive on the scene, handle the emergency, and then leave.  Because that's what firefighters do, they don't investigate or give lasting medical care.  They get in and out as fast and possible.  On the show, this happens anywhere between three and seven times, yet each catastrophe is fully executed.  There's no holding back because this is how horrible these accidents can really be.  In fact, I read in an article when the show premiered that they try to base each incident on one that has actually happened - making them that much more terrifying to watch.  They also fail and people die.  This isn't failing exactly because it's usually not their fault - the injury was fatal or the death was immediate.  But it's not like House where he miraculously cured almost every single patient to darken his hospital room.  Aside from the fact that I have no experience being a victim or a savior in these situations, they feel incredibly real.  Both dangerous and exhilarating so you're watching these scenes on the edge of your seat thinking "Why would anyone ever do this job?" and "Part of me wants to be on that ladder saving that kid's life." 

THE STORY ARCS

This is going to be short because otherwise it's going to get really confusing.  Essentially, this show is quick; they give arcs enough time to climax and then let them peter off.  We don't have to  watch two characters fight for some inane reason longer than friends actually would, which is extremely refreshing.  The two in the picture (Mills and Dawson) have a ridiculously believable story arc.  They meet, flirt, kiss, date, fight, make-up, fight, break up.  It's real and it's quick and it's emotional.  As exes they aren't best friends but they don't avoid each other either.  Not everything has to be so freaking dire, and I appreciate that this show pick and chooses which storylines need time to fester before wrapping them up.  There's still underlying tension over some decade-old lies, which makes sense.  But a miscommunication regarding a one night stand was solved with a confession and a punch to the face.  Maybe this is because they deal with life and death everyday, so while the rest of their lives are still important to them, they have some perspective, because at least they aren't drowning in a car.

THE RELATIONSHIPS

This is Kelly and Shay - they're best friends and it's awesome all the time.  Since she's gay, there's no awkward sexual tension or unrequited love.  They're simply best friends with a deep connection that they aren't afraid to discuss or fight for.  Relationships on this show are often like that.  The Chief is their boss and he has no problem acting like it, but he cares about his people and he tells them that regularly.  While the crew bickers constantly and hazes the newbie daily, there's a love between them all that they cling on to.  I'm starting to repeat myself because there isn't any other way to say it.  These are good people deep down and while that's tested regularly, they never fail.  Casey's best friend was killed in a fire, his wife later ends up in jail due to a DUI, and he takes her kids in without question.  Kelly finds out that his ex-girlfriend is pregnant so Shay (his roommate) makes room for the rest of the family.  Mouch's internet girlfriend comes to visit and despite the fact that the crew finds this endlessly amusing, they are nothing but kind to her.  Maybe this all stems from their inherent need for each other, but either way the strength in their connection is forever unwavering.

THE FACES

I only promised I wouldn't talk about their bodies...