i wish you were real, but i'm so glad you're not

It probably happens too much, but it's pretty common for me to be watching TV and thinking to myself, "Damn, I wish this person was real so we could be friends."  But then I legit think about it and change my mind completely. Characters need to be fundamentally broken in some way or they aren't interesting, but actually being friends with someone who can't function like a normal human is ridiculously frustrating. There's obviously a level of bullshit characters are allowed to get away with that real people aren't. Like on TV, when someone cheats, I'll quickly come up with an excuse for them like "they didn't initiate it," or "their significant other really sucks," or "does third base really count as cheating?"  In real life, I have no such sympathy and think the offender should be ashamed of themselves. There are a lot of reasons that a lot of characters shouldn't actually join us here in reality, but this list includes people I want to be my friends... in theory... until I realized that no, I'd rather just watch their drama from afar.

Gilmore Girls

These women are amazing... on screen. They talk really fast and have an uncanny ability to remember everything pop-culture as far back as the 1920s; both of them love junk food and bad TV, but they're also willing to jump in a car and take a road trip to nowhere.  Lorelai has the street-smarts, while Rory is obnoxiously book-smart, and both are cute and funny. They seem like they'd be good friends from the way they act with Suki and Lane. Though they both talk about themselves kind of a lot... and seem to be quite indecisive when it comes to making any kind of major decision... and have amazing bodies for women who eat chocolate covered in chocolate and never exercise... and seem to inspire men to make grand gestures on a semi-regular bases. So actually, stfu Gilmore girls. I can't keep up with your banter and it feels like you have each other and don't need or want other people in your lives. Also, you don't seem to ever take anyone's advice but your own, which I guess could be said for a lot of people, but it would really bother me that you never listened. It's true you're both genuine and I do appreciate that, but I think more than anything else, I would find you both unbelievably annoying. While I'm sure I'd enjoy a night on your couch with the plethora of snacks you'd undoubtedly provide, I'm not sure that would make up for the fact that I would only understand a third of what you said.  So you should probably remain characters because your obnoxious traits just come off as quirky and lovable. 

Damon Salvatore 

He's hot. He loves like whoa. He's super tough. He's crazy broken. If we ignore the whole vampire thing and think about him just as a guy with a painful past and a devious smile - he could be a myriad of TV boyfriends (Pacey Witter, Logan Echolls, etc).  When watching a show, I do tend to love the tortured ones because it feels like you understand them in ways no one else does. You can see their private moments and understand that even though they act like the bad guy, they're just trying to save everyone else from the pain they know to well. In real life though? Pull yourself together, man. I get that people don't like you but maybe that's because you keep leaving destruction in your wake. And also, I know that your whole asshole, "I don't care" thing is just an act, but it's too believable and everyone just thinks you're a bad person.  In the romance department, Damon plays every part perfectly. He's beautifully wounded and never afraid to love too much. People don't have this kind of dedication to unrequited relationships in real life because everyone would tell them they're crazy. This man waits for a girl for 145 years. Yes, I realize he's a vampire and has time we don't, but if someone doesn't get over a relationship in one year, their friends rally together to change all that. In theory I would quite enjoy to have a boyfriend who loves me as much as Damon loves Elena, but the jealousy and intense devotion might get a bit overwhelming in real life. He's protective, which appears sweet and endearing but is actually kind of frightening.  Plus when he says he'll love you forever, he means multiple lifetimes - that's a lot of time, buddy.  Hypothetically, I wish this guy was part of my everyday life, with everything from the snark to the long-winded "I love you" speeches, but in actuality, I'll just watch from afar... thanks. 

Chloe

She'd make life so much more interesting, though! I suppose that's the premise of the show... small town girl comes to the big city and moves in with a partying, self-obsessed crazy person. Yet every episode (I'm only about 5 in), I think to myself, "If only I had an insane friend who forced me to do these absurd things, I'd have great stories." But then I realize it would be terrible to have Chloe as a friend or roommate because she is completely out of her mind. She does whatever needs to be done so she can make her own life better while hurting anyone and everyone else in the process. I mean, she's almost a sociopath. I don't think she truly is, she has her moments of caring (kind of), but it comes down to the fact that she does not think about other people. At all. So being her friend would probably consist of regularly hurt feelings and constantly apologizing on her behalf because she never will and you feel obligated to make up for that. Essentially, if Chloe were real - I'd have to become June. In real life, June would probably be an amazing person to live with because she's nice and helpful and genuine (though maybe that would get annoying?), but Chloe would be more... entertaining. At the end of the day, all her humorous bitching and amusing insults would probably just become draining and sad. While having a Chloe in my life would probably make me more adventurous, I think I'll have to settle for trying to figure that out myself since I'd rather not have a burning hatred for a supposed friend who incidentally wouldn't care about me anyways.

Veronica Mars

Veronica Mars is my idol... this is probably reason enough for why I shouldn't be her friend. I think she's ridiculously bad ass and hilarious. She's a teen sleuth, you guys. She solves legit mysteries, all while getting straight A's, maintaining a healthy relationship with her father, and dating two best friends (though one at a time - don't worry). And look at how pretty she is, even when she's staring intently out a window and taking creepy pictures to prove someone's wrongdoing. Honestly, watching Veronica can be inspiring because she's so tough; she's still a teenage girl, so she's insecure as hell but that never stops her from her unwavering dedication to finding the truth. I would also argue this is her biggest fault. Regardless of other people's needs or happiness, Veronica HAS to know the truth or she will explode. If she has to hurt someone's feelings to do so, she will. She has a lot on her plate, what with her best friend's murder, an absentee mom, and an entire school thinking she's a cold-hearted slut, but despite all that, real life would require her to learn how to trust. Not everyone necessarily, but she assumes most people are liars or cheats before they even open their mouths. Unfortunately, since this is a TV show, she's usually proved right - making her even more stubborn. And let's be fair for a second, because Veronica tries, she really does, but she's not a super awesome friend. Wallace is much better at it, primarily because he understands that she's going to keep asking you for really unsafe favors and keep taking and taking until you finally tell her to stop... but on the other hand, if you ever need her - the girl will go to insane lengths to save you and anyone you love from injustice. The more I think about this... maybe I DO want Veronica Mars to be real. She might be stubborn and cold from time to time, but like her bff always says, the girl is a marshmallow and has a very sweet and gooey center.