pretty little liars is a clusterf*ck

*Spoilers Ahead*

 

 

I still watch this show.

 

I know, I know... I feel that needed to be stated early since I'm about to ask a lot of questions and give the series a lot of attitude. Regardless of my never-ending confusion, my constant bafflement, and my consistent complaints, I tune in every week so the joke's on me.

 

As I said though, I do have a few questions. They are in the order I thought of them so none are supposed to carry more weight than others, but so often I watch this show and think, "...what" that I had to share.

 

Let's start slow and ask an easy one... Why are they always in the woods? And why do they go in the woods alone most of the time? Multiple times one of these girls sees someone in the woods and then CHASES AFTER THEM. That is dumb. For so many reasons. First of all, they don't know who they're chasing, so I don't know what their plan is once they catch them. Though I guess that shouldn't matter because they probably won't catch them. They rarely do. They're all remarkably terrible at running through the woods, which is weird because they do it more than anyone else in the history of time. They chase people a lot actually, in a variety of venues, and you'd think statistically, they would have caught more of them by now. And these people they hurry after usually have masks on, which I get, they're villains, though the double-mask thing is odd. These bad guys keep putting two masks on at a time - guys, that's SUPER WEIRD. And sometimes, when the girls do get close enough to pull mask number one off, they hesitate before pulling off the second, so the person gets away. Clearly, these girls need to improve upon their plan of aimlessly running after people decked out in black. Really they should all be working out more. I know Emily was on the swim team and Aria took self defense classes for a hot second (which they should all be doing honestly, and this would also send a good message to the viewers), but they should all be in tip top shape so they can chase/run away from people in the woods. I think it would come in handy. They also refer to specific places in the woods too, as if they hang out by the rock over by the tree near the wildflowers all the time. WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE? 

Second question: Adderall addiction? Really? I did some research on this so as not to come off like an idiot. Adderall addiction is of course real and more common than you'd think. Yes, you can go through withdrawal and yes, you can hallucinate, but there are common side effects and rare ones. Spencer has every single possible side effect. I should probably be happy the show is finally showing consequences to idiotic decision making, but I'm not because what Spencer goes through is terrifying. Drug addiction is terrifying, I'd never deny that, but showing memory loss and apparent rage blackouts seems misleading. She

thinks she murdered someone by bashing their head in and CAN'T REMEMBER. Is this an episode of NCIS all of a sudden? What the hell is going on? One of the girls being in on Ali's "murder" would be fascinating, but I'm having trouble jumping on board with the theory that a drugged up Spencer whacked someone on the head with a shovel. To make things more believable, this is apparently Spencer's second time on the Adderall bandwagon (When did this previous addiction begin? Probably around the same time Hannah initially struggled with OCD on Girls - kudos if you got that reference). Because she's a second time offender, her parents send her to rehab... for three days. If you can't kick it in three days, might as well not even try, amirite? Don't worry though, because when Spencer returns, irritable as ever, she has a ridiculously good-looking, male sober companion. Good one, parents. You're all over it.

Okay. It's time to talk about Ezra Fitz because no. This guy is the worst thing ever. I know the preteen viewers love him and he's got a nice smile, but he is a grown man who knowingly hit on and emotionally seduced a teenage girl for the sake of a novel. A novel. Dude, YOU should be the subject of a book because that is super creepy and unethical and gross. I loved the idea of him being A. It has to be someone close to the girls, doesn't it? I don't think we all spend enough time thinking about how sadistic this psychopath really is, but I'll get back to that. For now, Ezra. He dated Ali and didn't know how young she was, fine. He found out and broke up with her, fine. Though I'm not sure I buy this was the original plan because are we supposed to believe he let her go but couldn't shake her from his head and needed to then write a book

about her and chase after Aria to do so? And if that is the case, the second he realized his love for Aria was real (if we accept that as fact), he should have told her the truth. Especially if he's supposedly trying to help them. But my main issue with Ezra shifting from heartthrob to villain to savior is that I flat out don't accept it. He was dressed up in a miner's costume and physically assaulted Spencer, he has camera's tracking the girls' every move and watches them from his numerous lairs, he got super fucking shady once they were discovering the "truth." Nothing about him is okay, and like Aria asked him to, he should leave town. But now he can't because he's shot and dying. Of COURSE he was shot by yet another masked mystery man because how else could he be redeemed? He can't and he shouldn't be. And what's up with this grown man only caring about these teenage girls? He has a family and a job. I don't comprehend how he is able to dedicate his life fully to four technical strangers. Sure, he fell in love with one (who he finally convinced to date him in the middle of her best friend's and his ex-girlfriend's funeral, always classy Fitz) and had a cumulative 10 minutes of heart-to-hearts with the other three. Creators were worried the audience wouldn't be able to forgive him. Not only should we not

Me too, Ezra, me too.

forgive him, Aria shouldn't forgive him. Beyond that, it's more interesting if they have to work with someone they don't trust. Ezra Fitz is a bad guy and I'm not okay with the idea that he gets a chance for redemption.






There are so many other tidbits I could rip apart, but I think I'll leave you with these final questions, the majority of which aren't related to the overall mystery because I understand now that those will never be answered: Why do they have so much time before school to conspire together/get coffee/visit boyfriends? Who dresses like that in high school - I know your edgy Aria, but maybe you should reign it in a bit? Why are all the men in Rosewood so interested in teenage girls? Is there a rule against more than one parent being in town at a time? Are any of them actually planning on going to college because shouldn't they be graduating about now? What is going on with the Rosewood Police Department? Where does Toby go? Where did Jenna go? Where did Lucas go? Why don't any of these girls ever seem to eat? And finally, because I have to, who the hell is A because this person or persons is no longer just cyber-bullying, they are attempting murderer (though they seem to suck at that part so maybe there's nothing to worry about) with way too much time on their hands and I'm over it.

But really though, what is happening? I'm lost.

himym: why would you do this to us?

The mother is dead.

Well, maybe. Some sites confirm it while the actress playing the mother herself says, “That’s insane. There’s some crazy conspiracy theories, which actually just makes me love the fans more… There’s such passion there. That is so crazy.” That's not quite a denial, so I don't know what will happen, but even the idea of this being true upsets me.

And may I just say, on behalf of the entire HIMYM fandom, of which I'm not even a very committed member, what. the. fuck. If it's not true, thank God, but if it is, here's why I wouldn't accept it.

Until this season, I wasn't even sure I still liked Ted. He became mopey and self-obsessed and whiney. But it's Ted, and even with all his blathering, I wanted him to find the mother and live happily ever after. The beauty of this show was that we could all keep watching it with or without the mystery of the mother's identity. I wanted to know, sure, but knowing Ted had a wife and kids was enough. The flash-forwards showing Ted with the mother being all happy and together and having children and being adorable was absurdly satisfying. Again, I didn't even think I cared anymore but then you watch his proposal and I immediately thought, "Awww, Ted, you did it, buddy. Good job." And now that could be RIPPED AWAY FROM US FOR NO REASON AT ALL. The show is ENDING. Why would they want the protagonist to be in pain? I understand that Ted and the mother have a good life and he still has his children but there's no time for me to believe in his recovery. And honestly, can Ted catch a break please? He has a weirdly melancholy life. All he's ever wanted was to love and be loved in return. He's a bit weird, sure, but that really shouldn't be so hard. I truly don't understand what the purpose of kicking him the face right before curtain could be.

 

This show is supposed to be a comedy. I understand there's a level of depth and you need to hit both sides of the emotional scale, but not at the end. Why at the end? I'll grant them the death of Marshall's father, which was beautifully written and well acted. Watching a character you love lose someone important to them is heartbreaking and seeing their friends do whatever they can to keep their head above water is possibly worse. Barney's struggle with discovering the truth about his own father was just as emotional. All the characters have fought to figure out who they are and what they want. It's not a show without layers, but we have four episodes left. Four. Again, maybe this is all a ploy to get us riled up so the writers can laugh in our faces, or maybe they're going to give us yet another twist, one that will leave us with tears in our eyes, and not the good kind. I wanted to end this show smiling, knowing that maybe these five aren't all they have anymore. They have families and lives outside their love for each other. That will be okay because they had nine years (some had more) of memories together. I'm bummed we might have to say goodbye to a revolutionary sitcom while simultaneously being incredibly pissed off.

 

I am invested, man. And I don't appreciate that all my time dedicated to Ted's happiness could be for naught because we regardless of the outcome - we aren't even able to experience the time he DOES have with his wife. We're just told it happens. Well, maybe I don't want to take their word for it because all I got to see was him waiting for a woman that was going to give him everything he'd been looking for OR dealing with her passing. There's a chunk of time there where they're together, but none of that is shared with us as an audience. We watched this show for nine years. NINE. YEARS. That's a lot of dedication. Give us a happy ending, please. Please please please. We deserve it as much as Ted does. Also, the show will be remembered more fondly if we can all believe Ted and the mother live happily ever after.

 

You know I'm right.

 

teen drama posters give the shows a bad rap

I am a teen-drama junkie. You can basically tell me there's a show written for 15-year-old girls, and I'm all over it. In fact, I've probably already seen it. Twice. Even if I don't like it or don't think it's well done, I probably watch it every week anyway. Something about the melodrama drags me in and then I worry about the characters too much to tune out. Though I would argue most of them are better than most people give them credit for. I can totally understand why people aren't interested in the subjects these kinds of shows deal with, but a lot of people write them off as junk, which I don't think is fair. There's plenty of cheesiness and unnecessary dramatic flair, but shows about teens are inherently interesting because teens themselves are interesting. They're passionate and rash; they make terrible decisions but are able to rack up second, third, and fourth chances claiming naiveté or confusion or heart break. My favorites of the genre include adults because honestly dealing with parents and teachers is a major part of being a teenager, so ignoring everyone over the age of 21 seems wildly unrealistic. 

All this being said, my post is actually about the promo posters these shows put out. Now I know they're going after their demographic of young females, but these ridiculous things don't even represent what the shows are actually about. You can still have the unnaturally good-looking people hanging all over each other and brooding into the camera while holding on to some semblance of the shows premise. Can't you?

 

1. The Fosters

This is a show about family, which you can honestly only tell by the fact that the tagline reads, "How do you define family?" Unlike most shows, this one defines family as undying support and togetherness. They strive to communicate often and always offer a warm embrace along with unnerving acceptance. (Even when the fifteen-year-old boy has unprotected sex, mind you, but that's another issue.) Just looking at the poster, I see separation. Sure, they sneak that one in at the bottom of the family in the kitchen, but the rest are a random assortment of pairings. Actually there's four of people on their own, two of "couples," one of the mothers with their daughter, and then the awkward kitchen shot. THAT'S WEIRD. Why isn't it one picture of all of them? Or at least a few collected photos of groups and/or pairings? And why do the people all alone look so... pensive? There was another poster for the first season that had them all sitting together on a beach. That was a bit better since they were all in one place, yet this is the one I see driving around LA. Finally there's a teen drama on TV that's actually about family togetherness, and this is how they try to get viewers. It's hard to even tell who's in the show. Plus, the characters have confusing and unique relationships since it's a family made up of two married women, one of their biological sons, adopted twins, and two foster kids. I get that they can't actually explain that in a poster, but perhaps snapshots of the biological ties and then one picture of them all coming together? Then anyone driving by could at least see this show puts the bond of family first, blood has nothing to do with the ability to love.

2. Pretty Little Liars

So, they're guilty, yes? This makes them look guilty. They're covered in dirt. Why are they covered in dirt? Um, from digging a grave obviously. Except not because the show is about them being tormented by someone going by the name "A" not running away from committing murder (I think... it's all a bit confusing to be honest). Truthfully, I think the look of this poster. Pretty girls getting dirty. It's simple, it's clever, it's cute. It just doesn't make any sense. They aren't even suspected of the murder for long. There's one where they're over a casket and Lucy Hale shhh's us, and that makes sense. Then it looks like they know something they won't share. This looks like the are 100% guilty. They even look happy about it. Look at their little smiles. Creepy, that's what it is. All their outfits make sense and I can get on board with the black and the graveyard, but they look maniacal and they aren't. Maybe the show would be more interesting if one of them were. But nope, they are just four teenage girls who lost their friend too soon and make very questionable decisions at every possible moment. They also seem to be incredibly stupid in some aspects of their lives while remaining unnervingly intelligent in others. You know what, maybe they are crazy and maybe this poster is just supposed to make you question everything.

 

3. Veronica Mars

 

I would first like to say that the ever-sassy Veronica Mars would never say, "Get a clue." She would also make fun of anyone who did. She is a badass. That is her thing. Yes, she has marshmallow tendencies and cares about a select few, but she's much tougher than the pink T and little smirk make her look. As for the guys behind her, yes, they're all important. But the pier? Not so much. Good thing it takes up most of the page though and Wallace, Logan, and Eli look tiny. If I'm going to be nitpicky, which clearly I am, why is Logan in the back? For that matter, why is Duncan in the front? And why is Eli's motorcycle so big? Yes, he's in a gang, but that's not particularly crucial to understanding the show. Main question however: Where is Mr. Mars? Sure, Veronica has a male best friend and two male bffs she dates back and forth but her dad is her main man. She stayed with him after her mom left and they support each other through everything. The whole reason she's a PI is because of his influence. Yet is he shown? No. Not cool enough I guess. I'm not saying they should be front and center sharing a hug, but he should at least be back with the other three looking like a creeper. I know there are a lot of other posters for this show where more characters are shown, but Veronica still looks a bit weird in all of them. I think it's because she's the main character, so this probably isn't a creative decision, but she's always up front with her arms crossed or her hands on her hips and she looks completely ridiculous. It's as if she's trying to play the part of investigator rather than actually being phenomenally good at what she does. I guess I think this poster makes the show look hokey, which it really really isn't. I swear. Of all the shows on this list, this is the one I'd confidently tell people to give a shot. You have until March when the movie comes out. Good luck.

 

 4. The Lying Game

Twins. There are twins. That's the point of this show, so good thing the poster is of ONE PERSON. Briefly, a recap, twins are separated at birth. Sutton ends up in a wealthy family. Emma ends up in foster care. They find each other. Sutton convinces Emma to pretend to be her while she runs off looking for their mother. Completely believable drama ensues. I guess this is supposed to be Emma attempting to be Sutton, but I still think it would make more sense to see both of them. The audience knows the scheme from the beginning, so there's no reason to keep the twins a secret, that's the whole premise. Other people are important, but I can accept them not being on the poster since it's really about the girls. GIRLS. Plural. I'm sorry, I'm sounding like a broken record, but literally every plot twist has to do with "the twins." That's literally what they all talk about. Who does and doesn't know about the twins and who's related to the twins and why the twins are so important. But here's just one of them, looking super shady by the way... by a creepy door... in the dark. Where is she going? Or coming from? And why does she look so nervous? The dress looks good, sure, but why is she wearing it? It looks like she's going to some fancy event and she does party from time to time but that's not her go-to outfit. The whole thing is confusing really and doesn't at all tell you that this is a show about two estranged twin sisters fighting to understand their past while continuously blurring the lines of their own identities. Maybe the two of them literally blurring into each other would be more effective, still attention grabbing and at least remain somewhat relevant.

 

5. Greek

*Please note that the autographs aren't actually on the original poster.

This one I like. Greek is about party kids at a party school and here they are literally IN a solo cup - the preferred delivery system for all alcoholic beverages. The combination of the name and the tagline, "College. It's a rush." perfectly explains the entire series. In fact, I'm not sure I even have anything else to say, so this one can be a brief break from all my ramblings. You're welcome.

 

6. Teen Wolf

No. No no no. No. I don't even know where to start, so I'll go from top to bottom. His face - yes, his eyes turn yellow as he becomes a wolf, so fine. I'll give you that, but why is his shirt so bloody? It's ripped because of the transition, I get that, but why bloody? He doesn't kill as a wolf. Is that his blood? Because he seems unharmed. He also looks angry. Even as a wolf, Scott McCall is rarely angry. That's kind of a running problem for him. He's either scared or worried or nervous - not angry. The dude is a savior not a hunter and portraying him as a villainous character is uber confusing. Now the tagline, "Love. Be afraid." Um. What. Be afraid of love? Or love and then fear something else? Or just generally feel fear? Like all the time. I guess the characters are often afraid, but then why not just say, "Be afraid."? It's a little cheese-y but would at least make sense. And love what? Love a person? Love the wolf? Love him? Everyone loves him. And he loves everyone (almost). Should that fact be the scary part? I don't understand. The biggest issue though is the fact that he's alone. There are other Teen Wolf posters where he's not alone and some where he isn't on the poster at all, which also doesn't make any sense. But the ones where other characters are featured just have a bunch of floating heads looking scared or intimidating with some sort of haunted house or shining headlights in the back ground, which don't explain the show in any way either. I guess I feel like the posters don't do the show justice. As the seasons progress, the show has gotten darker and darker, forcing every character to redefine their own moral compass and truly understand who they can and can't trust. The teenagers grow closer to their parents, letting them in on all their secrets while simultaneously sacrificing everything in order to keep them safe. This show can be defined by the bonds characters have with each other, yet the posters make it look like a show about the struggle of being alone. That's neither effective or as interesting because where teen dramas usually focus on romantic relationships, friendships and family take precedence here. And to be honest, aren't those the relationships that help you survive adolescence?

 

7. The Vampire Diaries

First and foremost, what the hell is she wearing? I will get into the whole sex appeal of this poster later, but you can be sexy without wearing a weird black corset thing. because, for the record, Elena's most adventurous outfit includes jean short shorts and a flow-y tank top. The girl doesn't own anything with a plunging neckline and those strappy stilettos should be replaced with short boots or converse. Most TVD posters show Elena wearing some variation of this outfit and frankly, it's laughable. The guys do wear black a lot, so I'll allow that, although I'm not sure why they're all laying on a bed. Was the threesome they're trying to imply they had just too much so they all had to put their clothes back on then take a breather? Granted, this is a show with a strong love triangle, and yes, it plays a major role in the series, but there are other major characters who are rarely featured on TVD posters. I'm sure there are a lot of legal reasons for this, probably financial ones too, but on the show, Elena's brother is the primary way she makes decisions. And where would any of them be without the feisty witch Bonnie? Caroline and Matt may come and go within episodes, but they've been vital to the plot since day one. To be honest, my real beef with this poster is the over the top sexualization of all three of them. Sure, this is for teens and what draws them in better than the supposed promise of sex? But they're weirdly shiny (is that supposed to be sweat?), and they're all dark and sultry (okay, the vamps have had time to master the look, but she's supposed to be a "normal teenage girl" at the beginning), and really, there was no and never will be a threesome. If you need to get the triangle aspect across, can't they both stare at her from afar while looking both sad and tragically self-pitying because that fits in better with the average episode. She can also look torn, confused, and scared rather than as if she just had some amazing vampire sex with two hundred-year-olds. No lie, this is a good show that takes a really interesting stance on human nature and what it means to be a good person while delving into relationships between friends, family, and lovers. Yet this poster makes it look like a Twilight knockoff with extra sleaze.

These series aren't for everyone, I get that. I just wish their marketing could be... deeper.

*Inspired by this hilariously accurate video: http://www.darkhorizons.com/news/30327/votd-why-modern-movie-poster-art-sucks

what we can and can't accept

Suspension of disbelief is defined as the ability "to suspend judgment concerning the implausibility of the narrative." This could be for books, movies, TV, poems - anything with a creative current. You have to step out of reality to enjoy, and sometimes to understand, what the writer/director/actor is trying to accomplish. Each genre requires varying levels of acceptance because you're transported to different worlds.  For example, when watching anything made by Marvel, I immediately accept superhuman strength, the ability to fly, and the existence of other realms. But when watching She's the Man, I have a hard time getting over the fact that Amanda Bynes' character plays soccer with her hair down. That's completely ridiculous, have you ever tried to play a sport with your hair just flying around? It's mayhem. Yes, Thor has a hammer only he can lift - that's fine, but put your hair up, Amanda. You're embarrassing yourself. It really amuses me that this distinction exists, but it totally does right? Like vampires and werewolves - all good, but can we please talk about how I can see the "home" screen of your iPhone while you're supposedly talking to someone? Because you're not. I can tell because I have the same phone, idiots. 

Why are some extremes easier to swallow than others? Does the make believe world influence how much we're willing to overlook or are some issues more particular? Does everyone have the same acceptance-meter? Does your inability to tolerate the absurd deter you from enjoying the piece? Where is the line?

For me, it's the everyday things. Like, how come nobody says goodbye before hanging up the phone? You know why? Because writers are taught not to waste space on the page with "goodbye." Seriously. I was taught that no one would take me seriously if that was a line of dialogue. I guess I can understand that, you need to get action in there, but it's super weird that all these characters have important conversations on the phone and make plans to rob a bank or get married or kill someone and then, you know, just casually hang up. And no one ever goes to the bathroom. Scenes of/about this would be a waste of time, I know, but it still irks me.

New rules for whatever universe I'm watching I can wholly accept. You're telling me there's a secret world of witches and wizards where children go off to a school in the mountains and learn magic? Got it. I'm there. Buuuut do you really think it's believable the characters in The CW and ABC Family shows are so invincible? I mean they survive comas like it's their job - it's getting a bit out of hand. Cars flipping over and everyone getting shot by stray bullets, yet they're all alive to tell the tale... and to cheat on their significant others. Typical. Happens to me all the time.

I also enjoy the vast difference between what everyone can personally watch/read and then say, "Okay, understood." Bridesmaids is one of my favorite movies, but I could never get over the puppy as party favor thing. It didn't hurt my adoration of the movie, but puppies? As favors? What if I don't want a puppy? Do I have to take one anyway because it's a party favor? If so, that's not cool. You just gave me a super intense present. You just gave me a life I have to care for. That wasn't very nice. And if I can opt out of taking a puppy, what happens to the extras? Did you plan this out at all?! My mom on the other hand had no problem with that, but the British police officer really through her for a loop. She also had a problem with the scene in the second Star Trek where they end up on Earth and fight on a spaceship because wouldn't they fall off? Well, yes, probably, but this is a movie about humans and Vulcans fighting a war in outer space. So. There's that.

I think it comes down to what your favorite part of being a viewer/reader is. I love the faith and creativity that comes with ignoring our actuality and believing in someone else's imagination. There's a freedom in just accepting a completely new reality. Whereas other people love critiquing. They get a power trip out of ripping something apart. I understand the appeal, I've done it myself, but just letting go and embracing the unbelievable is oddly comforting.

This has all been a wildly roundabout way of saying there's some indecipherable line for each of us that determines what is and isn't possible to wrap our heads around. And I apparently have no brilliant conclusions regarding that observation aside from the observation itself. Where's the line for you? And why there?

i wish you were real, but i'm so glad you're not

It probably happens too much, but it's pretty common for me to be watching TV and thinking to myself, "Damn, I wish this person was real so we could be friends."  But then I legit think about it and change my mind completely. Characters need to be fundamentally broken in some way or they aren't interesting, but actually being friends with someone who can't function like a normal human is ridiculously frustrating. There's obviously a level of bullshit characters are allowed to get away with that real people aren't. Like on TV, when someone cheats, I'll quickly come up with an excuse for them like "they didn't initiate it," or "their significant other really sucks," or "does third base really count as cheating?"  In real life, I have no such sympathy and think the offender should be ashamed of themselves. There are a lot of reasons that a lot of characters shouldn't actually join us here in reality, but this list includes people I want to be my friends... in theory... until I realized that no, I'd rather just watch their drama from afar.

Gilmore Girls

These women are amazing... on screen. They talk really fast and have an uncanny ability to remember everything pop-culture as far back as the 1920s; both of them love junk food and bad TV, but they're also willing to jump in a car and take a road trip to nowhere.  Lorelai has the street-smarts, while Rory is obnoxiously book-smart, and both are cute and funny. They seem like they'd be good friends from the way they act with Suki and Lane. Though they both talk about themselves kind of a lot... and seem to be quite indecisive when it comes to making any kind of major decision... and have amazing bodies for women who eat chocolate covered in chocolate and never exercise... and seem to inspire men to make grand gestures on a semi-regular bases. So actually, stfu Gilmore girls. I can't keep up with your banter and it feels like you have each other and don't need or want other people in your lives. Also, you don't seem to ever take anyone's advice but your own, which I guess could be said for a lot of people, but it would really bother me that you never listened. It's true you're both genuine and I do appreciate that, but I think more than anything else, I would find you both unbelievably annoying. While I'm sure I'd enjoy a night on your couch with the plethora of snacks you'd undoubtedly provide, I'm not sure that would make up for the fact that I would only understand a third of what you said.  So you should probably remain characters because your obnoxious traits just come off as quirky and lovable. 

Damon Salvatore 

He's hot. He loves like whoa. He's super tough. He's crazy broken. If we ignore the whole vampire thing and think about him just as a guy with a painful past and a devious smile - he could be a myriad of TV boyfriends (Pacey Witter, Logan Echolls, etc).  When watching a show, I do tend to love the tortured ones because it feels like you understand them in ways no one else does. You can see their private moments and understand that even though they act like the bad guy, they're just trying to save everyone else from the pain they know to well. In real life though? Pull yourself together, man. I get that people don't like you but maybe that's because you keep leaving destruction in your wake. And also, I know that your whole asshole, "I don't care" thing is just an act, but it's too believable and everyone just thinks you're a bad person.  In the romance department, Damon plays every part perfectly. He's beautifully wounded and never afraid to love too much. People don't have this kind of dedication to unrequited relationships in real life because everyone would tell them they're crazy. This man waits for a girl for 145 years. Yes, I realize he's a vampire and has time we don't, but if someone doesn't get over a relationship in one year, their friends rally together to change all that. In theory I would quite enjoy to have a boyfriend who loves me as much as Damon loves Elena, but the jealousy and intense devotion might get a bit overwhelming in real life. He's protective, which appears sweet and endearing but is actually kind of frightening.  Plus when he says he'll love you forever, he means multiple lifetimes - that's a lot of time, buddy.  Hypothetically, I wish this guy was part of my everyday life, with everything from the snark to the long-winded "I love you" speeches, but in actuality, I'll just watch from afar... thanks. 

Chloe

She'd make life so much more interesting, though! I suppose that's the premise of the show... small town girl comes to the big city and moves in with a partying, self-obsessed crazy person. Yet every episode (I'm only about 5 in), I think to myself, "If only I had an insane friend who forced me to do these absurd things, I'd have great stories." But then I realize it would be terrible to have Chloe as a friend or roommate because she is completely out of her mind. She does whatever needs to be done so she can make her own life better while hurting anyone and everyone else in the process. I mean, she's almost a sociopath. I don't think she truly is, she has her moments of caring (kind of), but it comes down to the fact that she does not think about other people. At all. So being her friend would probably consist of regularly hurt feelings and constantly apologizing on her behalf because she never will and you feel obligated to make up for that. Essentially, if Chloe were real - I'd have to become June. In real life, June would probably be an amazing person to live with because she's nice and helpful and genuine (though maybe that would get annoying?), but Chloe would be more... entertaining. At the end of the day, all her humorous bitching and amusing insults would probably just become draining and sad. While having a Chloe in my life would probably make me more adventurous, I think I'll have to settle for trying to figure that out myself since I'd rather not have a burning hatred for a supposed friend who incidentally wouldn't care about me anyways.

Veronica Mars

Veronica Mars is my idol... this is probably reason enough for why I shouldn't be her friend. I think she's ridiculously bad ass and hilarious. She's a teen sleuth, you guys. She solves legit mysteries, all while getting straight A's, maintaining a healthy relationship with her father, and dating two best friends (though one at a time - don't worry). And look at how pretty she is, even when she's staring intently out a window and taking creepy pictures to prove someone's wrongdoing. Honestly, watching Veronica can be inspiring because she's so tough; she's still a teenage girl, so she's insecure as hell but that never stops her from her unwavering dedication to finding the truth. I would also argue this is her biggest fault. Regardless of other people's needs or happiness, Veronica HAS to know the truth or she will explode. If she has to hurt someone's feelings to do so, she will. She has a lot on her plate, what with her best friend's murder, an absentee mom, and an entire school thinking she's a cold-hearted slut, but despite all that, real life would require her to learn how to trust. Not everyone necessarily, but she assumes most people are liars or cheats before they even open their mouths. Unfortunately, since this is a TV show, she's usually proved right - making her even more stubborn. And let's be fair for a second, because Veronica tries, she really does, but she's not a super awesome friend. Wallace is much better at it, primarily because he understands that she's going to keep asking you for really unsafe favors and keep taking and taking until you finally tell her to stop... but on the other hand, if you ever need her - the girl will go to insane lengths to save you and anyone you love from injustice. The more I think about this... maybe I DO want Veronica Mars to be real. She might be stubborn and cold from time to time, but like her bff always says, the girl is a marshmallow and has a very sweet and gooey center.

if we did the things people did in romantic comedies, it really wouldn't work out

Last weekend, my roommates and I watched Baby Boom with Diane Keaton. It's a silly movie from the 80s where a working woman ends up "inheriting" a baby. No longer being able to handle 90-hour work weeks, she moves to VT, meets a hot veterinarian, and creates some gourmet baby food. I can get on board with the baby inheriting and the impulsive move to Vermont and even her starting her own business because she's really smart and really rich and that could potentially happen (though the adoption may have required more than a quick convo at the airport). ANYWAY, it's the single, good-looking, sweet vet that falls for her immediately though she's rude and crying the first three times they meet. Let me tell you, I don't think sporadic sobs and crazy ranting would get me a boyfriend. Though I have to admit I've never tried it. She's not particularly likable in any of the movie, but the second this guy shows up, she's awful.  Her hair is everywhere and she insults his job and refuses his help changing a tire (though she clearly needs it), to which he responds by kissing her.  He also seems to have no problem jumping into a relationship that includes a child, which you'd think a guy might need a second to process.  He's on board though, with the crazy city lady and her baby.

Probably the most obvious scene from a romcom that would severely backfire in reality is from Love Actually. This is one of my favorite movies, so relax, but can we all talk about the scene where the dude shows up at his BEST FRIEND'S house to profess his love to the guy's WIFE. Sure, someone in love is adorable and he's just trying to be honest, but dude, not cool. I immediately like you less because you're completely ignoring your friendship, which is very unattractive and also if you were so in love that you had to tell the girl, one, give your bro a warning and two, you've been around since the relationship started... waiting post-wedding seems a little dramatic, don't you think? If I was that girl, I would not stand there smiling, nor would I chase him down the street to kiss him on the cheek. I guess I wouldn't call my husband to the door, but I'd at least cut the guy off and say he was being inappropriate... and then go upstairs and tell my husband because VOWS.  And if I was this girl's husband, I'd be a bit upset.  It might put a damper on the friendship as well.  Just sayin'.

And what about She's the Man? I understand it's based on that Shakespearian play or whatever but if I pretended to be a guy and became best friends with my crush then was like, oh hey... just kidding I'm a girl (which I'll prove by flashing you... and a stadium full of people ), I would NOT get the guy in the end. I mean, she was super weird too, which I guess isn't means for dismissal - I'm glad they became friends but she talked him into shoving tampons up his nose AND gave you dating advice... for how to date her. That's confusing at the very least because you'll have certain feelings for a person based on your current relationship and how you think that could change. Since the guy wasn't bi-sexual, he views relationships with male and females differently, and then when the girl he thought was a guy yells surprised, he's only mad for a hot second before they start making out. Maybe if I was as funny as Amanda Bynes this could work to my advantage? I feel like in real life, this would end quite poorly no matter who did the gender switch. I mean - can you say friendzoned?

One of my favorite romantic comedies, well really one of my favorite movies, is How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, though I'm not sure I'd be as forgiving as these two turn out to be.  I understand that they were both trying to win bets, so in the movie world, these cancel each other out, but think about this... She literally starts dating him to make his life miserable (and does a pretty good job of it, love fern anyone?) and to document it for a magazine.  He's only nice and charming so she'll fall for him and then he can get a big advertising account.  Honestly, his always seemed less offensive to me because it didn't cause him to act insane, though I would be royally pissed if I found out a guy was only pretending to like me so he could advance his career.  Hers was primarily bad because she had to be so intrusive.  To be fair, some of what she does is harmless, like accenting his bedroom with pink blankets and teddy bears, but she also forces him to get her a Diet Coke during the final minutes of a big basketball game - that's not cool.  She also buys him a dog, which seems to bother him less than the fact that she made him blow his nose in front of his friends (I can see how that would be demeaning...), but it's a DOG.  She just threw a new responsibility into his life.  Either way, these two are both at fault and in real life, I think this relationship would just turn into a good story next time your out with friends.  But it's a movie, not reality, and all one needs to do to solve all problems is chase the object of their affection on a motorcycle across a bridge.


I understand that these movies aren't supposed to represent real life, but all I'm trying to say is if you actually think about the actions these people take and how well it works our for them compared to how ridiculous people find it if you text someone back too quickly - it's laughable.  When watching these movies, people can be deluded into thinking all you need to do is stalk the girl or play music outside her house or act uninterested or be adorably clumsy.  I don't know how you should actually attempt to get someone to like you, but if you follow the rules laid out for you in romantic comedies, I'm pretty sure you'll end up alone.

the best and worst parts of indie film

Disclaimer: I have a lot a respect for independent film; my roommate and I try to go to a little theater in Pasadena that only plays indie films once a month.  There's an undeniable feeling that these stories have more heart behind them because they don't have a studio backing them, which means no guarantee people even see what they're pouring their soul into - that's impressive.

That being said, there are three tropes I notice every time I watch one of these movies and more often than not, they're simultaneously the best and worst parts of the whole experience.


1. People look real.

The Lifeguard

I don't consider myself a particularly shallow person, but I think as a society, we've gotten

Shame

used to watching beautiful people on screens.  So when Kristen Bell is crying in front of you (and I mean real, heaving sobs - not one glistening tear) without makeup and in a tattered old sweatshirt, it can throw you off.   She's gorgeous regardless, don't get me wrong, but it's more real and therefore harder to handle as a viewer.  This could be said about any actor or actress in indie films; beauty is left behind while a more realistic vision is achieved.  I love and hate this.  I love it because it forces you to actually look at the pain (or the joy, though it's indie, so it's usually pain) straight on without getting distracted by perfect eyes or immaculate skin.  I hate it for the same reason I love it.  Why does their misery have to be so obvious that I can feel it?  I spend a lot of time and energy trying to avoid emotions and now these idiots have me feeling everything they are, which is just unacceptable.  And it's often emotions I'm not even familiar with.  Michael Fassbender goes through a lot in Shame that I will never actually understand.  All his sexual... shame (I can't come up with another word - they named that movie well) is something I'm never going to feel, but that doesn't stop me from sympathizing with his face.  Independent filmmakers seem to go for that visceral aspect in every single shot.  It's like they have all the time in the world to tear your heart open, and if they have to do so by making you stare at a real wound or a real fight or a real death - they will.  So do as the actors do and forgo the makeup before you pop in one of these movies with people "just like you."

 

 2. Moments of silence.

Darjeeling Limited

Away We Go

Again, I have mixed feelings about this.  Part of me really enjoys the poignancy of the serious look and the great understanding passing between the director and the actors and then through the characters and the audience, but also... SPEAK.  Darjeeling Limited is one of my favorite movies, and it's Wes Anderson so it's even weirder than most indie films, but the amount of time spent in silence is overwhelming.  Now that I think about it, overwhelming might be the point.  There's something about silence that can be deafening because you can't split your focus between what you can see and what you can hear.  Your brain is forced to watch whatever is in front of you while the stillness takes over.  Dialogue is your friend, guys, and I'm just not clever enough to understand everything I'm supposed to from this quiet.  Give me context before I lose my mind trying to read into every intricacy of this moment.  And then someone does.  Someone speaks.  At this point it almost doesn't matter what they say, I'm just so relieved that I can give them my attention so I'm not required to figure anything else out for myself.  It's been a while since I've seen Away We Go but I remember the moments of silence more than I remember anyone speaking.  The connection between Burt and Verona surpassed the need for words.  It was a comfortable quiet and each time was different: sometimes angry, sometimes sad, sometimes content.  Often more than that and all at once. 

 

3. They represent life.

Little Miss Sunshine

This is usually what indie films are going for right?  They want to show real life?  Even if it's a ridiculous plot line or a life you'd never lead, the story is used to portray something bigger than that.  Like the pain of a heartbreak compared with the intensity of being in love.  I had to watch Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind for a screenwriting class, and I remember my professor asking us if we understood the point.  A few people mumbled something about how the story was cyclical and that memories are important, but these people had clearly never been in love.  Not the kind of love this movie was talking about.  Because only the real thing can kick your ass so hard that you wish it never happened just so it didn't have to feel this miserable.  Eternal creates a world where it's actually possible to erase someone from your mind, which is obviously not an option for us, but that doesn't stop anyone from believing in a version of life where people would take advantage of this opportunity.  This is both impressive and a bit annoying.  It's like they trick you into feeling something you didn't even realize you were capable of feeling.  I thought it was a movie about time travel with a quirky love story not a movie about facing your feelings head on before they inevitably catch up with you.  Little Miss Sunshine did the same thing and masqueraded around like it was a silly comedy when it's really a family drama with a dry sense of humor.  Sure, they take a lighter look at everything but the whole story revolves around people who are doing the best they can and loving their family in the only way they know how.  The way they feel about each other represents the way you can only feel about family.  It's a truly unconditional feeling of love that leaves you thinking both, "I want to smack you upside the head," and "Yes, I will do anything to make you happy."  While I'm impressed with their ability to capture something so universal, I often don't want to experience everyday emotions.  Give me a movie where people can fly and blow things up with their mind.  I want my imagination to go to work so I can avoid the tissues.

 

 

And an honorary mention to this scene:

Which is in almost every indie movie ever - though the view may vary.