Fall (aka next week) TV preview!

There’s a lot of random crap coming out this season. I suppose that’s always the truth, but some of the new offerings this autumn are really weirding me out. As always, it is impossible to tell what will be a hit and what will miss by a mile, but let’s try anyway! Here are my (completely off-the-cuff, uninformed, and very much first impression-y) fall TV predictions!

Let’s go by network (I’m only investigating the big 4).

NBC (ugh)

A to Z

This romcom tries to be clever by copying what all the other romcoms are doing lately: include some of the actual relationship, not just the ecstatic build up. Because everyone wants to see what happens after they kiss! (spoiler alert: not really). The show follows the relationship of Andrew and Zelda (Zelda? Really?) (parantheses 2: A TO Z, GET IT??) from, well, A to Z. Beginning to end, people. Please let me stop flogging this dying horse now.  This show sounds like it will be exhausting to watch, with all the flash backs/forwards of 500 Day of Summer. What works well in a neatly engineered 2-hour plot usually doesn’t bode so well for television. Remember, I don’t care who the mother is. I also probably won’t care how Andrew and the adorably named Zelda break/broke up. I don’t want complicated plot from a half hour sitcom; I want jokes. I don’t need a ridiculous premise that the show will now be trapped in for the next NINE seasons. You already had Andrew and ZELDA, you can still have your ridiculous title, can we leave the flashbacks to the filmmakers please?

However, this does star Mad Men’s Ben Feldman, with whom I am in love.

VERDICT: I’ll probably watch the pilot + a few eps before it fizzles.

Bad Judge

Oh god, no. Why did you do this to yourself Addison?

VERDICT: hard pass

Constantine

Based only on the title, I know this is about a demon hunter. Based only on this picture of Matt Ryan, I hate that trench coat, even though I’m sure it looked great in the comics. Based only the HORRIBLE tag line, I think I can miss this.

VERDICT: No thanks. I’d rather watch old episodes of Supernatural.

who's that blurry guy in the background?

Marry Me

Created by David Caspe of Happy Endings, Marry Me stars Penny from Happy Endings (Casey Wilson) and the firefighter from Burning Love (Ken Marino). I’ll just say it: I DO! But I watched the trailer and it seems like the entire premise of this show is that these two lovebirds keep fucking up their marriage proposals to each other. HILARIOUSLY. Not. It’s very awkward and weird to watch two insanely funny people be forced through the motions on flat out NOT funny material. Wilson basically reprises her role of Penny, but without her friends to play the straight man, so Marino is forced into the straight man role that he was born to run far far away from. He basically has no character. And he is SUCH a funny man. It’s really a shame. I love these two, so I will definitely watch this, but my hopes are pretty much dashed. My one shining light is Parks and Recreation. That show was decidedly not funny in season 1, but once it found it’s feet, it was/is a shining gem of hilariousness. So hopefully Marry Me will grow up and figure out how to commit to some real jokes.

VERDICT: I’m pulling for ya!

The Mysteries of Laura

Grace just isn’t worth it without Will. This is another female-centered show that NBC is doing a bang-up job of making totally misogynist. Can Laura be a cop and a mother? Can she really HAVE IT ALL?? I don’t care. No one cares. Please find a gay man to put on Messing’s arm. Until then, I’m really not interested.

VERDICT: Besides all this, it’s also a cop procedural on NBC. PASS.

State of Affairs

NBC! Look at you! Three for three on the sneaky misogyny! You see, it looks like you’re buying into the current popularity of female stars (Amy Poehler, Tina Fey, Jennifer Lawrence, ladies are killing it right now), but you’re really just putting us in our place. The tagline for this Katherine Heigl vehicle is “All the President’s Men are nothing compared to her.” LOOK AT HER! She’s a woman!! Doing a MAN’S job!! She might be really good at it, but she’ll always have a vagina, and that will always the most important thing about her! Also, did NBC miss how completely unlikeable Heigl is? She’s basically shot herself in the foot (and any other appendage) at every press opportunity, and now I’m pretty sure no man or woman is interested in watching her try and do a poor-woman’s Claire Danes. Just watch Homeland. That’s also insufferable, but definitely better than this will be.

Is the president supposed to be a black woman? overwhelming GIRL POWER.

VERDICT: Ugh

So that wraps our NBC preview: two sitcoms I hope against better judgment will be good (but maybe I’m a BAD JUDGE); one drama I’m completely ambivalent about; and three for-sure pieces of crap driven by women who NBC is really hoping are still popular. Poor NBC.

ABC

wave to the white people honey!

Black-ish

This is just the black version of Modern Family, right? It’s probably funny, because Anthony Anderson is funny. But it makes me sad that the only way network executives could spin a black family sitcom (in 2014 people, jesus) was to make the show about being black. My hope is that the pilot will blow its load of racist jokes, and then we can just have a funny family sitcom.

VERDICT: Meh

Cristela

I know nothing about Cristela Alonzo, and in commitment to this article being off-the-cuff (read: un-researched and probably useless to you), I did not google her! Apparently she plays a law student who takes a job at a firm where she is often mistaken for the help. Get it? Because she’s Mexican! Hahaha! And her family’s Mexican too, and sometimes she talks to them. I am 110% in favor of minority representation on network television. But why do they always make Latinos look so white? You only really get that she's Mexican because of the *fun* font. Also, is this ABC’s version of Mindy Lahiri? That chubby brown girl is doing all right – give this chubby brown girl a show! Networks.

VERDICT: I’ll bite. I’ve never heard of her, but I’m always looking for new fun female comics.

Forever

Look at this hot guy! He’s a medical examiner, so we can have a procedural format. Also, he’s immortal. HE WILL ALWAYS BE THIS HOT! It co-stars that guy that I loved in Bones, so I’ll almost definitely watch at least the pilot. I’m getting Castle, I’m getting the Mentalist, I’m getting House…it’s a medical/law procedural with a supernatural twist! Could be awesome! Could be awful!

VERDICT: Unknown. Just gotta watch it. For that face at least.

How to Get Away with Murder

The bus ads for this got me very excited. I like Viola Davis, and what fun font! Then I found out Shonda Rhymes created it. Of course. Shonda is the only one allowed to write “serious” shows about black women, how could I forget! Davis plays a law prof who has her own firm, and presumably there’s a murder she has to get away with. She’s probably good at it. Just look at her hair.

VERDICT: I couldn’t even get through the pilot of Scandal so this is probably not for me. But it will do well of course. Shonda doesn’t need my sorry ass.

Manhattan Love Story

This show is built on voice over. Game over. This doesn't even warrant a picture.

VERDICT: MLS will last four episodes (that I will not be watching). 

Selfie

Here’s my standout prediction from this list: Selfie is going to be awesome. Yes, the title is abhorrent. But so was Don’t Trust the B---- in Apartment 23. And that was some of the funniest dang television I’ve ever seen. Selfie stars Karen Gillian of Dr. Who fame. The only DW I’ve ever watched were a few of her episodes, and she was adorable and funny, so I have high hopes for her. Basically her character is a self-absorbed internet star who realizes (GASP) that facebook friends are not the same as real friends. So she hires a marketing guru to help her…find real friends? Because that’s what marketers do. Heh. Anyway, that guy is played by John Cho, who is also amazing. I have strong faith in this one, just based on ABC’s proven record of putting funny shit on the air that they don’t totally understand and have no idea how to advertise. “Selfie” sold this concept. Hopefully there’s more to it than the cultural zeitgeist that got it through the door.

VERDICT: I’m actually really excited about this one. Definitely will watch.

I couldn't find a good pic, so take this adorable one of
Karen channeling Sinaed (in a good way)
 after Guardians of the Galaxy

So ABC, how’d you do? Lots of diversity here, but hopefully the talent can shine through all the whitewashing. In general though, this is looking to be a pretty solid line up. I’ll probably watch all of them except Murder, which doesn’t need me anyway; it’s all but guaranteed to be Scandal’s popular successor.

CBS

Madam Secretary

CBS jumps on the (never ending, so boring) bandwagon of “can she have it all???” Tea Leoni (hi, I love you, I missed you!) plays a Secretary of State who shakes things up in Washington, and has a family. There’s a (slim) chance this could be good. But seriously. Can we end this conversation, and just create cool women characters because they’re great, not because they’re a fascinating cultural phenomenon?

VERDICT: I’m going to bite my tongue and watch this one because I’m getting shades of House of Cards and I love Leoni. At least for the pilot.

GO SPORTS!

The McCarthys

I guess CBS missed the memo that Boston is so over. This is about a family of Bostonians who live in Boston and just do downright Boston things! Like watch sports and have accents! There’s a black sheep, of course, who probably hates Boston and doesn’t have an accent. This black sheep and his dad have to coach a little league team together. How Boston!

VERDICT: Wicked pissah! I mean bad.

Another beautiful day of murders!

NCIS: New Orleans

More exploitation of “hot” locales. Everything I’ve seen about this show just makes it look like the cutest! Forget the dead body bleeding out over there. Do I need to say much about this? It’s NCIS. We all know the drill.

VERDICT: Not even for you, Scott Bakula. I’ll just wait for the next season of Looking.

even this promo pic is horrible

Scorpion

I’m over Katharine McPhee. Scorpion is about a group of nerds who band together to save the world using their enormous brains. Katharine McPhee is the dumb (girl) waitress who keeps them grounded. This is Big Bang Theory minus the jokes. In other words, bad.

VERDICT: Was I ever under Katharine McPhee? Pass.

Stalker

I definitely thought based on photos that this was a continuation of Hostage, that mega-promoted show that died with a squeak last season. But sadly no. Stalker follows a division of the LAPD that tracks stalkers, voyeurs, etc who target mostly women. You see, in the criminal justice system, sexually based offenses are considered especially heinous. In LOS ANGELES, the dedicated detectives who investigate these stories are DYLON MCDERMOTT. This is his story.

VERDICT: I’ll probably watch syndicated episodes of this when I’m sick two years from now. If networks last that long.

just gonna leave this here...

CBS wrap up: so much blah! Tea Leoni is the only weakly glimmering light. The network continues to pander to the lowest common denominator with the safest, lamest, most procedural options possible. No wonder it’s number one!

ben's bored

FOX

Gotham

More Batman. Enough Batman already! It’s not even creative Batman. Gotham is the origin story of Detective Gordon, who let’s face it, is the most boring character from that franchise. I don’t think even Ben McKenzie can save this one.

VERDICT: But he’s so pretty!

so tortured, so ugly

Gracepoint

Jeez, FOX is so serious. A young boy is found dead, and two tormented cops try and solve the murder. This feels very the Killing. Which I also didn’t like. It stars David Tennant, and it’s based on a British show Broadchurch, so maybe it will turn out to be amazing. Here’s hoping. I’m just so bored with murder shows. Is anyone else bored with murder shows?

VERDICT: Mehhh maybe

guys, it's 1992! LIKE ME!

Mulaney

I’m actually very sad about this one. I love John Mulaney. He’s a great stand up. His show looks awful. The things that make his routine work are the cadence of his voice and the pace of delivery. He’s good at talking. The jokes don’t exactly translate into an ensemble comedy. They seem to fall flat, from what I’ve seen. But again, this might just be a case of a show needing to grow into itself. Even Seinfeld (which this so badly wants to be) wasn’t very funny in the beginning.

VERDICT: I’ll watch season two, if it makes it.

Red Band Society

God, this looks awful. It’s about a group of kids that are sick an in a hospital? And there’s a magical black fairy godmother nurse who looks after all of them? And it’s narrated by a kid in a coma? Looks like FOX is going for Glee + cancer. I just. I can’t.

VERDICT: No. Please no.

When do the songs start?

FOX roundup: surprisingly, I am strongly not excited about of these. Maybe FOX is doing too well with existing shows, and just didn’t feel the need to try very hard?

So there we have it! Avery’s decidedly flaky fall TV preview. The top three I’m excited about are:

- Selfie

- Forever

- Marry Me/A to Z, whichever lasts longer

That’s a pretty sad list. Two female secretary of state shows! Literally the exact same show. These bad ideas aren't even creative! No wonder good content is leaving television. The internet is the way! Networks can’t green light their way out of a paper bag. And who can blame them really? Remember: CBS is number one.